so, i had intended not to use this blog for the spewing of personal feelings and more reflective entries, but i am a newlywed and that permits me certain lapses in resolve. the following is a copy of a comment i made on a friend's blog. as i was writing it, it became not only a bit of a love letter to brian, but the kind of stuff i would talk about with friends in those late night conversations that i miss so much. so, here it is. i want to share. i also want to hear what you think.
married folk, engaged folk, here is the chance to gush and rave about how the one you love has changed you. single fold, married folk, everyone, what have your friend/work/family relationships taught you? here's mine:
i don't think that a struggle with just about anything makes a person "unmarriageable." i think that when two people meet and they are really supposed to be together, God opens their hearts and eyes to each other in a beautiful way.
the way i see it, people are flawed in ways that they themselves are aware of and some that they are unaware of. for me, being in this relationship from the start as friends all the way to now as a married couple is causing me to reflect on both of those kinds.
those that we are aware of cause us to feel ashamed and unloveable. the "how could anyone love me while i still do/have/can't do __________?" takes root in our minds and the instinct is to hide them away and hope that no one notices them.
for me with brian, i have found that i can't hide them. some are amazingly transparent. i never knew this until i was becoming more serious with brian and we were having conversations on the heart level. he would mention something about a flaw i had and it would shock me. 'oh my gosh, he's noticed that?' but the expected catastrophic loss of love and respect and relationship as a result of this flaw never came.
as i began to notice this incredible grace he was extending towards me, i wondered why. the answer was simple, i was doing the same for him as regularly. “love covers over a multitude of sins” (1 peter 4:8). i realized that there really is no point in hiding a weakness from brian because he likely knows it already or will soon find out. i trust that God has brought us together in part to illuminate these flaws and to push each other to improve.
those other flaws, the ones I didn’t realize, were a different kind of creature. we’re at the nine month mark in our marriage right now. living together allows for lots and lots of together time. my first instinct as someone who is usually not too aware of my own interpersonal relationship-type flaws is to be defensive, get angry, or think that brian is just being too sensitive. i've had to learn to listen to what he is saying and realize that it is all too often valid. in spite of occasional imperfect presentation by him in these moments of hurt or annoyance that i've caused, i'm growing from these conversations. and i get to give that same gift to him.
so while there were plenty of things about me that i figured would be insurmountable obstacles for any guy of quality, i found someone. right in a place where i wasn’t looking at a time when it was far from my mind, God pushed this equally flawed and gifted man. i like him.
8 comments:
I think you two are cute....Brad and I almost ate at Bradke's EAT again over Easter, and we thought of you!
kerri didn't complete the assignment!!!! you know, an incomplete is worth only 55%.
LET'S SEE... matt has taught me lots of things. it's funny 'cause as time goes by, i think i'm becoming more and more like him (and him like me!). perhaps when we are old my eyes will be buggy? (you know how people say couples start to look alike?) or maybe i will be old with killer sideburns. just kidding. that would be terrible.
OKAY! one of the things i love most about matt is that he is SOO forgiving. he's taught me to let things go, and not take things personally; to give others the benefit of the doubt, and be concerned about their situation instead of just mine. he's also taught me how to move on when i'm upset. normally, if something's on my mind, it can be a full day before i get it figured out and am able to be happy or at least with-it again. he taught me how to put it on the backburner, come back to it when i feel like it instead of having it just hang over me.
what else? he's also taught me how to not need naps and how to play with dogs and how to make pie filling. :-) he's quite a catch, i tell ya.
Obviously, since I'm a man, I stand to learn nothing from the fairer sex. If only I could read minds I would share the vast knowledge Shannon has gained from me.
Silly me, I should have made it more clear I meant just the ladies!
I completely agree with you about the "struggles and marriagability" thing. So many people think they're not married because they have to complete themselves when in reality it is just a matter of the right timing, open doors and open eyes.
A lot of what I think about Ryan is similar to what Jenny has said about Matt, especially the "taking things personally" part. I'm so over-sensitive to attention and moving to Japan was extreme over-stimulation since EVERYONE stares. In fact, people talk about us all the time in Japanese when we're standing right next to them, sometimes they say stupid things. Ryan has been the most amazing help to that, he is completely a pillar of strength, seriously, the boy never falters. If my frustrations were rain on a mountain range I swear the range would look like Nebraska now, except Ryan, he's something unearthly.
I guess it's just obvious to me that in Ryan, Christ is complete so he never is afraid of what other people think. He's not the typical outward Christian, he doesn't mind doing things like sending Chris Mischler booby pudding (yes, he bought pudding that looks like boobies for Chris, I was EMBARRASSED to stand next to him while he bought it) from Japan, but I think that shows he's so complete in Christ that he can handle all of life, the ugly and the beautiful and love it all so wholesomely, he especially loves the odd things and puns.
I think that terrible mistakes/daily glitches that occur, and some of the sad things I say don't get to him since he knows who he is, and who God is, so completely. It also causes him to see me in a much more complete light and has helped me to understand that I don't need to frantically pick up the pieces since they're all already there....I panic and freak out a lot for those who don't know.
I'm not sure that made sense.
Anway, my immune system is excellent and I truly never get colds since he always makes me laugh. So that's good too.
When God bring two people together is the key to a very happy marriage, so the two of you have an excellent change at it. Mark and I just celebrated our 30th year this month, and what I have learnt all these years is that you have to make God number one in your life. Let Him be the wheel that turns every decition big of small inside your home and through prayers and daily devotions you both will always be protected for your every day battles with the world. Without Him you will not make it. Don't ever put God in the backburner. Having a happy marriage takes time, nurturing, patience, devotion, lots of laughter, respect and admiration for one another. I don't know if Mark and I will ever look alike but that is fine!!!! (I don't think I can grow anymore!!) But what is great is that we keep growing in our personal relationship with God, just take all your problems to Him because He has all the answers.
aha! there's the ending! :-)
ps. bien dicho mamita!
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